The tedious vigilance required routinely by women, as discussed here, is sad. Point taken. But the take-away prescription from the end of this video – is weak and naïve. “If we only taught young boys that rape isn’t even an option.”  First of all, this sounds as if a lot of ‘young boys’ are already cherishing the idea of rape ‘as an option.’ Really? What a cynical thought. I was a young boy once, and I don’t remember any of my peers expressing any thought about rape. Also, this assumes that something learned in youth is learned once and for all. Aren’t there many intervening factors in hormones and the suggestions of mass-media AFTER youth that shape a young man’s desires and notions of women?  A perfectly decent boy might very well grow up and assault women, because of what he has become since.

Now, if the suggestion, however poorly worded, is: “It is never too early to teach boys respect for women,” I couldn’t agree more. And the best way is when respectful behaviors and attitudes are modeled by influential men in the boy’s life. Any headway you make, however, will be sorely tested by a hypersexualized commercial culture, and the ready availability of violent porn.  As a culture, we primarily value the free exchange of the dollar, sacred above all. There is a lot of money to be made in stirring up and steering men’s sexuality in all directions and byways. But then, we pay a terrible social price for this psychological exploitation.

I think this whole question parallels the gun issue.  We fetishize guns, and ‘sell’ boys and men violent games, movies, and actual weaponry. And look at the social cost.

Bottom line: the male brain is easy prey to illusions about sex and violence. If we really cared about women’s safety and dignity, and about men’s well-being, we would start with that assumption. We falsely assume that what goes on in the privacy of a man’s head and feelings is harmless, so long as he does not act on it. This puts men in conflict with themselves, and normalizes the notion of men in self-conflict. It puts the onus for outward peace on a psychological safety valve inside a man’s head. And those valves fail. Now I hear someone objecting, “Impulse control is a part of growing up.”  Of course it is. No one is arguing against that. But can’t we together visualize a healthier, more harmonious possibility for men?  An infected imagination must be controlled. But why assume the infected imagination in the first place?  Can we imagine conditions where that does not happen?  Or, at least, where it is less extreme?

We also assume that if only men were less bad, they would be good by default?  But the imagination needs practice in constructive social and gender relations.  It is not the case that if men were not violent and predatory, that would be enough. It would not be. That’s like saying if only I could stop someone from attacking a piano with a hammer, they could play music instead. No, they can’t play music without training. The attacker likely has no idea of the positive experience, and the intense motivation, that music can exercise in a life. So also, there is a positive experience and intense motivation in constructive, wholesome, personal relationships that men must come to know, and gain an appetite for. Only new growth can truly supersede old.